Tuesday, November 07, 2006

a sense of self worth

I was talking to a friend of mine this weekend in San Fransisco about how I have changed throughout the years. She hasn't known me for long, but was surprised when I explained to her how shy and self-loathing I had been for a majority of my life (up until about two years ago...)

She asked me what was responsible for my change,

and I told her about how I had been stuck in an unending cycle:
Shy people are often misunderstood as snooty, as was I. Being treated that way made me even more shy. The cycle goes on and on until someone breaks it, and it had to be me.

And it happened one day when I made the following realization:
People who act negatively toward me upon first meeting do so for one of two reasons. Either they are joking, or they are judging me based on a stereotype. I know I have never been a mean person and have never brought harm to anyone. Confidence comes from knowing my true self, and what I know about myself is comforting.

People who think they are a great judge of character from the get-go are also disillusioned, assuming that a few minutes of communication within the entirety of an individuals' life is sufficient to make an accurate diagnosis.

It's just an excuse to close someone off. Usually a result of favoritism, most commonly brought on by the desire to fit within a particular social clique. People establish their status by notifying those who they feel are not worthy. Or in other words, put someone down to make him think he is below you.


Andrew Thornton said...

I personally believe that members of one's family share a stronger spiritual tie than those of a stranger. Even though I haven't seen my brother in almost 20 years now, I believe that he is bound to me closer than many people I see on a day-to-day basis. I believe this because I believe that the "Life Spark" which initiates cognative life is passed from our parents and shared between siblings. Their blood, is your blood. Their spirit is part of your spirit. No matter how different, how foreign, or enlightened one may be, the ties that bind are still there.

It's true that if you go back far enough, there is the One Source of that magical Spark, and essentially we are all connected. However, the ties that are closest are usually the strongest.

If something were to happen to Azalea, I would feel that a part of my spirit would die. I think that the best part of me would die as well.

Every day thousands of children die, are abused, and are negelected and I'm still standing. But if that were to happen to Baby One... I don't think I would be able to.

J.J. Rohmaller said...

In one of the Dalai Lama's books he was discussing reincarnation as one of the seeds to use for growing compassion in our own hearts, and he stated it this way: everyone we meet was at one time related to us in a past life. The irritable clerk at Wal Mart was my daughter, the grumpy person behind you in line at the grocery was your father, the rude receptionist at the dentist was my dearest grandma. Everyone in the world was someone beloved and most special to us at one time, perhaps long ago, and so deserve the compassion and loving kindness we felt for them then. I don't know if I believe in reincarnation or not, but it's an interesting way to consider our connected-ness. Some sects of Buddhism, and other philosophies as well, believe that the concept of an individual self is also an illusion: we are all part of one life force, One Self if you will, and not separate people at all. I find that I can begin to accept that concept with regards to myself, but it's difficult to think of my daughter as anything but the single most wonderful individual soul God ever thought up and gave to me as a shining gift. Theories and intellectual detachment seem to fall apart where our children are concerned, because we love them so immensely with a love big as all the universes, beside which logic and reason are pale things indeed.